Sunday, 8 May 2016

Where did Spring go?

As someone who had been living in Malaysia for most of my life, I'm pretty much familiar with only one season: SUMMER. Coupled with the humidity, that would mean I'm pretty much hot and sweaty almost as soon as I live the comfort of my house (with its 10 airconditioning units, I kid you not!) to endure the outdoors back home.

My happy temperature is between 12-20 degrees Celsius and since that correlates with Spring, I was so so excited that it's spring time here in London (where I am currently living hopefully for the foreseeable future). This, not Christmas, is the reason to be jolly.

However, I had such a shock checking out the weather app.

Wait what???! What happen to my happy temperature threshold I was looking forward to?? I'm typing this on my phone as I am waiting for the bus to go for my Airbnb during my hospital placement (I'll talk about my experience with Airbnb so far in another post) and it is boiling hot! 

It doesn't help how unprepared I am for this journey.

  1. I'm dressed all-black, in an oversized tshirt and jeggings. And let me tell you, black really does absorb heat.
  2. I don't have a water bottle on me and the accompanying dehydration is taking its toll on me.
  3. I don't have any sunblock on me. Great, I just increased my chance of dying of melanoma. 
On the overground train with a slightly cold bottle of lemon water to my face to beat the heat. 

Hoping the rest of Spring is not like this. Because if not, I can guarantee an improper state of dress (or undress) and it's not going to be pretty!


Test 1 2 3

So in the spirit of having found the most amazing blog to binge read by the amazing Vivy Yusof at, I have decided to attempt to revive this dying blog of mine.

Obviously words are cheap so to try and make sure his attempt does not turn futile, I've resorted to purchasing a mobile app for blogger so that I can type whenever I feel like it. (£3.99 gone though FML)

Let's see how well this works out


Thursday, 10 March 2016

Hello, it's me

Oh hi, It has been a long long time since I've written in this space. Now, I am 3 years into my medical course at Barts, and honestly I have no idea how that happened haha.

I'm currently week 8/9 into my Cardioresp (heart and lungs people!) placement in the wifi-blackhole that is known as Broomfield hospital. It has been going okay. I still get horrendous mutated butterflies in my tummy before I meet/examine a patient. But I'm surviving on the fact that no matter how much I mess up as a medical student, I am still not the worse medical student I know.

I really need to stop being so hard on myself! I need to love myself more because this cycle of toxicity is not going to help me. I think I have annoyed enough people around me with my negativity. But I am quite funny too so I think that has neutralise some of my `toxicity wtf,

Anyways, what else is new? Ooooh after a few years of living in London, I have been going to the pub regularly (about once a week) with some of the people I've met in Broomfield. To be honest, I believe the only reason I was invited in the first place is because they wanted to be inclusive and nice. I appreciate the gesture and I am thankful for the experience. I am still as socially awkward as I am before but I guess the trick is to own it. Never in my life have I used Urban Dictionary as much as I do now. I am being schooled in the slangs of the Brits. Also, I have discovered a love towards the yummy Aspall cider. I don't know what it is, but it just DOES IT for me. 

Another thing I am excited about is in about 9 days, mummy and 2 of my brothers (Daniel and Jacob) will be coming down to London to visit me. I have been planning this 9-day trip to Italy when they are around and it's going to be legendary. Forget about the fact that the shitty medical school that is Barts has decided to be a bitch and make the ICA to happen post-Easter break, I just really don't give a fuck about exams anymore. Hopefully I have learned enough crap somehow to sit for that exam.I miss my family so so much and I am utterly grateful that with God's financial provision and le parents' generosity, I get to see them beyond once a year during the summer break. I cannot wait to complain to my mummy about my actually very privileged life in person. I cannot wait to hug my brothers to bits. 

Now I shall get back to what I was sent here by my country to do, and that is to study. And admire the asses of the male medical students and doctors I work with

The never well-behaved one,

Sunday, 11 January 2015


It's 11.22 pm, here in London. 9 degrees celcius.
And here I am all alone in bed, trying hard (well, not really) to do some work and failing miserably to get some sleep.

What is life?

I can't believe it is already 2015 and I have a little over 2 months before my 22nd birthday. Mindblowing how fast time flies. I remember setting this blog up in Form 4 as a loud, brash and ignorant 16 year old girl.

With friends from all around Malaysia (met in PKTR, HELP and KYUEM) and being able to meet med school colleagues from around the world, hopefully I am not as ignorant as before. I guess being out of your comfort zone doing a tough course does that to you

What's new? I am now a 2nd year Med School student at Barts. I KNOW RIGHT?! Passed 1st Year!!!!!!!!!!
I was so happy about this fact. Then I found out my closest group of friends in Barts were either in the top 10 or 20%, whereas here I am, 6th decile for 1st year.

And I stop being happy. I just became jealous instead. I guess I carry this chip around my shoulder thinking that I am up there academically all throughout my life. But now, everyone in my med school (for 2nd year onwards I guess) are really smart.And now I am at the bottom of the food chain that is academia.

1st year was one of the most horrible experiences of my life. I experienced depression. I mean I had bouts of depression in KYUEM too but never was it as bad as my 1st Year of Med School. I was suicidal at times (emotionally lah, like I didn't see the point of continuing to live).

Perception of success is a weird thing. I have people complimenting me all the time back home about how blessed/lucky I am to be in the position that I am in. But I was so unhappy. I wanted nothing more than to cease living.

But 2nd year looks to be much better. This on it's own is an ironic fact given that I have a billion more things to do. But somehow, I am not as depressed about stuff anymore. I actually like myself a bit now. Baby steps I guess. I am participating more in Med School life. I feel like I am taking charge more than before.

I am having a sort of crisis spiritually in life now. I know God has answered my prayers many times. And I love Him for it. It's not God I am mad at. I think the problem is with me. Maybe it's because of the way I am leading my life. Sin does separate man and God (little sins, big sins. Sin is sin). If anyone is reading, please pray for my soul. I would really appreciate it. I miss hearing the voice of God, I miss having a relationship with my Father in Heaven.

I miss you Jesus.


Saturday, 12 April 2014

London is not love, it is just CONVENIENT

Can't believe it has been a good 8 months since I last wrote anything on this space. The last post was me vainly displaying my A2 results lol. To be fair, I am pretty sure I have no audience so that is okay for now :)

So, what has happened in my life since then?
Well, I have moved to London and been living here for 7 months now, reading Medicine at Barts and The London on a scholarship. I also just turned 21 less than a month ago so that was exciting-issssssh but not really. I feel my age now, and I am VERY vocal about it, to the point where my a lot of friends here in London are sick and tired of hearing me rant all the time! Sorry guys. I know there's no point complaining about the inevitable.

Reading medicine has been a dream of mine since 15, and as I am stalking through all my past posts from 2009 (I have no life really, even in London), I feel like a small part of that whiny, bitchy girl has grown up quite well. I am blown away by the opportunity God has given me to be able to experience the joy of studying overseas, and all that without burdening my parents financially.

I have a love-hate relationship with my university.

I love how it is located in London. Unfortunately, Whitechapel is not a very posh area so that kind of was a turn-off for me. I must be the most naive girl in the world but I sincerely thought that all of London would be like South Kensington, posh and beautiful, idyllic and scenic, and all the adjectives describing a high-class area you can think of.

I love how friendly the student atmosphere here at Barts is compared to other unis (*coughs* Kings *coughs*). I hate the PBL-centric course though. Too much independent learning (this point is moot considering I knew this before I applied lol).

It has been quite the culture shock living here though. Prices are outrageous, especially the rent. I am paying around RM3500 for my room right now. Thank God for government allowances or I would be homeless. Secondly, I have never been surrounded by so many articulate, confident and lively people in my life. Must be the Western culture influence. I do not fit in here at all. I am too self-degrading, too boring and too not Western (if that even makes sense).

And with that, I end this post (Procrastinating by reading other blogs right now)

Tuesday, 13 August 2013


At 1.01pm Malaysian time, I saw this.


Thursday, 1 August 2013


"If you can become any animal, what animal would you be?"

It's one of those questions people like to ask for no reason whatsoever, when there's a lull in the conversation, just filling in those awkward silences. I used to answer "a dolphin, because they're cute." I know guys, cliched answer.

However, if anybody were to ask me that question now, I'd answer a hermit crab. Because it has the word hermit in it. And I am a HERMIT. If there were such things as Hermit's Anonymous, I'd probably attend that meeting every week. With a pseudonym and all that. I always wanted to have a name that ends with an "A". Sounds sexy ain't it? The Tamaras, Vanessas, Leandras, Christinas and Saras have it great I bet.

I have been in Sabah for 5 weeks. The number of times I went out with friends? ONCE. The heck?! Terrible. The thing is, I am not that great in keeping in touch with any of them. I do go on Facebook occasionally and I do have a Skype account but somehow, there's always this invisible barrier that stops me from trying to communicate with them. It's my fault definitely. I am not making mysself available to them. I wonder if this is psychological? I feel so sad at how fleeting friendships are in my case, even to those who I consider my closest, dearest friends.

Another reason why I am a hermit is because I am bogged down with responsibilities at home. I need to wake up by 8.30 a.m, to clean the house, feed the dogs, cook, do the laundry, all before 11.30 a.m. By then, all I want to do is go online and waste time until it's time to go the gym at 2pm. by 4.30 pm, I am thoroughly exhausted and I just want to lie on my bed. Repeat everyday. I cannot begrudge my parents for giving me all these responsibilities as I need to learn to be independent before Uni starts. But I do wish I actually take some time out to go around Sabah, see the sights of my beautiful home state, this slice of Paradise, before I go to gloomy wet UK. I guess I'll have to buy tons of postcards of Sabah to act as a pseudo-memory at this rate. (I know this sounds utterly pathetic)

Due to the lack of pictures in this post, I decided to include a picture of a hermit crab.

Hey buddy! :)

Wednesday, 31 July 2013


I am horrible in saying goodbye. I just deleted a post titled "Goodbye" on this blog only to return over a year later saying I take it back. I want to write on this space once again. I miss this blog a lot. The main reason I stop blogging was because I was worried about how I'll be perceived and judge from what I write here, even though the title of this blog anticipated that to happen. I mean seriously.

READ.ENJOY.JUDGE as a blog title kind off took my right to complain about being judged here lol.
Reminds me of that scene in Pitch Perfect a lil' bit.

"You call yourself Fat Amy?"
"Yeah, that way twig b*****s like you don't do it behind my back."

 So what actually motivated me to come back here?
Well, a great person who comes to the life group lead by my mother (It's a home-based Christian meeting where we are taught lessons from the Bible) once told me to record down all the blessings from God that I have received to enable me to trust in Him more, seeing how much he has blessed me time and time again. You see, in exactly two weeks, I will be receiving my A2 results and this thought frightens me so damn much because if I don't get the grades that I need, die lah. I have had nightmares of not being able to make it to the UK, which is absolutely unacceptable to me because I need to get away from this country. I need to go to uni because as a 20-year-old girl who's about to embark on a journey to become a medical student and hopefully be a consultant, I have VERY long years ahead of me before I actually be able to start working and starting uni this late ain't helping.

That's why I need this space. It's hard for me to talk about my fears to other people because they understandably hate to tolerate a girl whom in her entire life, God has yet to give her something she DID NOT wanted.

For example:
1) All my life, I wanted to prove to my teachers back in Convent that I had what it takes to be number one there even though that spot had been dominated by some other girl for years.

2) Then, I wanted an awesome scholarship to read medicine in the UK, bond-free. I GOT THAT TOO.

3) But no, even that's not enough. I want my AS results to be high enough that it can persuade my teachers who for some are quite strict in giving predicted A* grades, to actually award me with 4A* predicted grades (Even though I knew I screwed up royally in my Biology and Physics papers). And guess what?

P/S: My predicted grades is 4A*.
P/P/S: I know it's nothing compared to what most of you geniuses get in your lifetime, but cut me some slack, for a numbskull like me, it's not too shabby.
P/P/P/S: I know I posted this same pic two post ago lol.

4) I want dem medical offers from UK and Ireland.  I got UCD btw via IUMC, and I was in the first batch to get it. None of those 2nd 3rd 4th round thingies. But the motherlode, from UK, was this.

I had no rejections. God knew I couldn't handle a NO from any uni. Granted, I did withdraw from Aberdeen because I was too lazy to attend the interview because by that time, I had four different offers from UK/Ireland to choose from.

Aha! Couldn't help myself with the expletives. (Repent Mirabel, repent!)

I am indeed blessed. The things I post here is just a snippet of what God has given me in life. I have so much more than this and I am forever blown away by how everything by HIS design, just fall into place.

I hope that in two weeks, I have an amazing A2 results to add to this list. Thats all.


BTW, I will be posting everyday from now till 13 August 2013 hopefully. I hope this works out :)

Thursday, 11 October 2012

We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. 
We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. 
And the human race is filled with passion. 
And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life.
But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. 
To quote from Whitman, "O me! O life!... of the questions of these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless... of cities filled with the foolish; what good amid these, O me, O life?" 
Answer. That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. 
That the powerful play *goes on* and you may contribute a verse. 

What will your verse be? 

Saturday, 6 October 2012

I'm BACK!!!!!!! Of ambitions, and resting on laurels.

I know, it's been a good god-knows-how-many-months ago that I posted  rants regarding my time in KYUEM, and honestly, that won't be the last one. You see, one of the reasons why I stopped blogging was my fear of authorities. I was afraid that some ky peeps will find out about what I've written and go all, "we will hunt you, and kill you" on me :/

WALAO, but seeing how the junior batch 15.0's are dressing around KY, I think I should be safe from the prying eyes of holier-than thous. Thank you juniors!

So yes, let's talk about ambitions today shall we? I started this blog when I was 16, and honestly, I thought that I was an interesting person with worthwhile things to say back then, with ambitions ranging from majoring in accountancy (WHICH I QUIT AFTER ENDURING ACCOUNTS FOR HALF THE YEAR IN FORM 4, PHEWWW), to law, and finally, to medicine. However, if you would ever tell my 16-year old self that one day, I'll have the opportunity to read medicine in the UK, paid for by the taxpayers of malaysia (through MARA scholarship no less) and not bonded (my fave word!), I would say u gotta get your head checked.How God provides right? AMAZING :)

You see, about 2 weeks ago, I just sent my uni application form to UCAS, and the following are my uni choices
1) Barts and The London, Queen Mary, LONDON!!!!!!!!!!
2) Aberdeen, Scotland
3) Queen's Belfast, Northern Ireland
4) Leicester
in that order.

BTW, I know that my application's strength is top notch considering most of  my competitors do not have actual AS grades, while I do, on top of having predicted grades.

I owe it all to GOD. Honestly, compared to my previous batch 13.0 seniors, my results are not that much to look at, but breaking 90% by the skin of my teeth for all 4 subjects, I know God continuously looks out for me. Therefore, my predicted grades are indeed 4 A*, with all my AS components at A grades :)

TO GIVE AN AVERAGE OF 727.5!!!! It's above average, and it's the third highest score in KYUEM. Another OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG moment :) God, how amazing you are. 

I'm not boasting, because I know that paper qualifications do not indicate just how good of a doctor you are. However, it cannot be denied how important it is to strengthen my applications, and how good a doctor is really does depend on the medical university he/she goes to.For that, all glory to God.

Here's a song by the Katinas, a CCM band, which I dedicate to the Lord because above all, God is behind all this. So, all glory to Him. 

Just a little while longer I wanna pray
Can't get You off my mind so I came to say
Thank You Lord just for loving me
Many times as I do forget
Every need that You have met
Oh thank You Lord, I know You're showing me
You are there when I am down and out
You're holding me, Your love is so amazing
Oh it changed me

Here I am with all I am
Raise my hands to worship You
I wanna say thank you, oh thank you
For everything, for who You are
You cover me, You touch my heart
I wanna say thank you

I could have died in my sin but You saved me
Didn't have any hope at all
You gave me peace divine, strength to carry on
I should have been the one to pay
But instead You took my place
My Jesus, words cannot explain
Even though I don't deserve Your love for me
You look beyond my fault and You showed mercy


I wanna say thank you for the sun
I wanna say thank you for the rain
Everything You do is beautiful
I'm so grateful for Your love

Because even now I still think the world revolves around me.

Wednesday, 25 January 2012

Like wtf?! Of hemlines and distorted notion of rules

     So anyways, let's get right down to business shall we? When they say you skirt/pants should be at least knee-length, normal people would think that this



So yes, I like them knee-length dresses. It's easy, just one piece of clothing, put it on, and you're good to go. None of those mix-and match shit-whatever-else that you have to do with other items of clothing. And less items of clothings to wash as well. I mean, WASHING one baju kurung, THIS

is like washing two dresses already. And before you complain about me being a lazy bitch, please do remember that I'm from freaking Sabah, and I don't go back every freaking SHORT AND LONG WEEKEND to an awesome house with awesome mothers who will awesome-ly wash clothes for their beloved, spoiled and entitled prince/princesses gifted and humble geniuses they have as their children.
Yes, there's the laundry service, but I don't trust them with my more expensive clothings as they've manage to lose my Esprit t-shirt which makes me look like I've lost weight. Now I'm stuck with the other Esprit t-shirt, the one that makes me look like I'm wearing a tent, or the the female version of Jabba the Hutt.


Anyways, my point is, I have tried to follow the rules. In fact, as far as I'm concerned, I AM adhering to the rules. The silly point brought up by a few people out there is, when they say knee-length dresses, they meant a dress that'll remain knee-length when you
a) Go up the stairs
b) when you're sitting down
c) In any other positions you might be found throughout the day ie bending down and etc.

With that in mind, this



I don't want to make this into a religious issue, because it's not. KYUEM is and always will be a predominantly-Muslim community. With that, comes a level of conservativeness which must be taken note of and thus, makes KY incomparable to any other private colleges in Malaysia, in terms of their clothing policies.

However, like in anything and everything in this world, there's a limit to the amount of conservativeness a certain college can impose on their students. AND AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, most of us are bound to head to a Western country after KYUEM and trust me, if you haven't seen much body parts in your lifetime. THIS



Speaking of which, I don't get what so sensual and alluring about kneecaps that people insist on covering it up so much. I mean, look down at yours now, 

I mean omg, look at the curvature of that knee caps. God, it's so eye-popping and so gorgeous. Somehow, looking at it more, it's so...... phallic. The unevenness, can anyone say SEXXXXXXXXY. OMG, I just thought of the word SEXY. It has "SEX" in it. Gosh, now I need to go and have sex with any random stranger that I come across. OMG I CANNOT TAHAN. Must. watch. porn. And pleasure myself.

And it's all because of a person's kneecaps.  

BTW, To give me a piece of your mind, please key in GO-FUCK-YOURSELF on your mobile phone.

Belle <3

Wednesday, 21 December 2011

I never thought I'd say this, but.....

I'm really really going to miss my whole career exposure experience at the Surgical Department of HQE 1&2.

The building where HQE 2 is located.

I roll at level 2,6 and 7. Had plenty of good experiences here, doing rounds which I sometimes just start at 6.30 a.m.but mostly around 7 a.m EVERY WEEKDAY. A lot of great experiences which I shall not put down because some of it is definitely getting into my personal statement, read: PERSONAL. Apparently, since UCAS has a very cool software which can detect plagiarisms among all PS, let's just say I have to keep this to myself :)

This is also where I get to see a few operations which were definitely coolness. 7 mastectomies seen (plus several other surgical procedures), whatchutalkinbout? :P The first time I saw it, I was mesmerized.

me mum
I saw someone's breast removed today.
OMG, you're not grossed out?
R u kidding me, it was awesomeness!
You did not just described such butchery as awesome.
Mum, it's to preserve life. It's not like I'm going to start cutting people up just because I think it's awesome okay? But it was lar.

I loved every second of it. Hahaha, although at one point of a surgery, I ter-touched itu trolley with surgical  apparatus which is supposed to be sterile, WITH MA BARE HANDS. Which is so not sterile. I thought the doctors were going to kill me, cause I delayed the procedure. I also thought the staff nurse would be super pissed off, cause there's more for her to do. BUT THEY DIDN'T. The nurse just made sure everything's sterile again, and everything went back to being peachy.
By the way, male doctors in scrubs? HOTNESS. ;)

Anyways, ended the day by giving the dept head and the MO that I shadowed for chocs as a token of appreciation for letting me be a nuisance for 3 weeks. Good times, good times :) 7 years more before I become a doctor, God willing.

iwishihadmoreenthusiasmtowritelongernicerpost :(


Saturday, 17 December 2011

Back from dead

     It's been forever since I've blogged about anything. To tell you the truth, I've been writing, and then deleting the words because I didn't really have the courage to put anything up. I sort of realized that people who might be reading my blog now (if any) are no longer my high school friends whom I've known for years, and I'm afraid I'll be judged for the contents of my blog. WHICH SOOOOOO DOES NOT REPRESENT ME ACCURATELY.

     But then again, I realized, why bother? I love this space, I love just writing what I feel like writing, just to get things off of my chest. Besides, it's one way to get my friends to know how I'm doing because frankly, I'm the worsT when it comes to keeping in touch. Thanks Ruggie AKA Ruggie for telling me to unprivatise and update my blog.

So what's new?

  • I'm the new Pre-Medical Club President
  • and Sexay-tary for the debate club :p
  • I've gathered up enough courage to play the guitar in front of people other than the Life Group members at home :)
  • Is spending the six weeks sem holiday wasting time AND going for work attachment in the surgical dept of QEH.
Everything's going terrible academically though. No studying yet. But I'm starting as soon as I finish this blog post. Because I have like 2 weeks left of studying and I didn't carry 26 kilos worth of books for nothing. Fined RM 30 kg for overweight baggage lagi tue.

And debate, oh my gosh debate. I'm not good, inexperienced, not widely read, easily scared, easily wavered. What in the world was I thinking when I signed up for it? Oh right, it's so that I can "improve" myself. RIGHT.

To add to that, I'm kinda sorta not sure if I'm up to the life of being a doctor. And to add fuel to fire, all the doctors are literally asking me to go be a dentist. Oh oh oh no, that's not the best part. 

    Eeeeeyer, but NO! I've decided to stick to my career plan of being a doctor. I'm going to go UK, and I'm going to go to a medical school there. 

Is it going to be hard? ABSOLUTELY. 
But then again, nothing worthwhile is ever easy.
Who knows, 7 years from now, I'll have people call me Dr. Mirabel. 

And this thought is what keeps me going these days.



Thursday, 29 September 2011

Sem exam's in 12 days......

     But all I can think about is going home. With an IELTS presentation on Northern Ireland yet to be prepared for and a luggage yet to be packed, I can feel that tomorrow's classes will lack my attention.

But it's okay, today, I'm happy :)