11.22PM

It's 11.22 pm, here in London. 9 degrees celcius.
And here I am all alone in bed, trying hard (well, not really) to do some work and failing miserably to get some sleep.

What is life?

I can't believe it is already 2015 and I have a little over 2 months before my 22nd birthday. Mindblowing how fast time flies. I remember setting this blog up in Form 4 as a loud, brash and ignorant 16 year old girl.

With friends from all around Malaysia (met in PKTR, HELP and KYUEM) and being able to meet med school colleagues from around the world, hopefully I am not as ignorant as before. I guess being out of your comfort zone doing a tough course does that to you

What's new? I am now a 2nd year Med School student at Barts. I KNOW RIGHT?! Passed 1st Year!!!!!!!!!!
I was so happy about this fact. Then I found out my closest group of friends in Barts were either in the top 10 or 20%, whereas here I am, 6th decile for 1st year.

And I stop being happy. I just became jealous instead. I guess I carry this chip around my shoulder thinking that I am up there academically all throughout my life. But now, everyone in my med school (for 2nd year onwards I guess) are really smart.And now I am at the bottom of the food chain that is academia.

1st year was one of the most horrible experiences of my life. I experienced depression. I mean I had bouts of depression in KYUEM too but never was it as bad as my 1st Year of Med School. I was suicidal at times (emotionally lah, like I didn't see the point of continuing to live).

Perception of success is a weird thing. I have people complimenting me all the time back home about how blessed/lucky I am to be in the position that I am in. But I was so unhappy. I wanted nothing more than to cease living.

But 2nd year looks to be much better. This on it's own is an ironic fact given that I have a billion more things to do. But somehow, I am not as depressed about stuff anymore. I actually like myself a bit now. Baby steps I guess. I am participating more in Med School life. I feel like I am taking charge more than before.

I am having a sort of crisis spiritually in life now. I know God has answered my prayers many times. And I love Him for it. It's not God I am mad at. I think the problem is with me. Maybe it's because of the way I am leading my life. Sin does separate man and God (little sins, big sins. Sin is sin). If anyone is reading, please pray for my soul. I would really appreciate it. I miss hearing the voice of God, I miss having a relationship with my Father in Heaven.



I miss you Jesus.

Mirabel