Lottery

I used to lose hair when I'm stressed up. Form 4 and Form 5 was the time when I shed hair like a dog. What's the point of me writing this? None really, but I've stopped losing so much hair in times of immense stress. Nope, nowadays, I get ugly pimples on my face. So ugly in fact that when I went home to receive some scholarship which I'm going to reject anyway, my mum brought me to see a dermatologist. And he told me my hormones have gone haywire. So now I'm on antibiotics and some other medicine and I have to apply some ointment on my face, to avoid looking like I'm breeding volcanoes on my face. It's been three days, and I see immense improvement. For that I'm happy. I owe it all to the doctor, as well as to having less stress in my life.

This is the part where you'll be thinking, "OMG, what a tedious blogger. Every, mundane, minute details have to be described and exploited."

And this is when I say, NO. There's more to it. You see, despite being in the middle of exams, I have no stress whatsoever because I have been awarded the MARA scholarship. 2 years in KYUEM (only the best institution ever in Malaysia) and if I make it there, a scholarship to pursue medicine in UK. I'm grateful, truly and utterly grateful. The thing is, I know now that people are treating me differently because of this. 

I only got 7A+. Others who got better result than I did, some who got straight A+ received ugly scholarships that are way below what they really deserved. My Bio teacher at HELP summed it up perfectly. "I'm not surprised Mirabel got it. She's a Bumiputera, and a Sabahan at that. It's very easy for HER."

I'm not offended in any way when she said that, because I know every word is true. 

Exhibit A: KYUEM. Most people I know got sent to various Kolej MARA in the country.

Exhibit B: Medicine in UK. ENOUGH SAID. 

What I'm trying to convey in this post is that I know I've won the equivalent of a birth lottery in Malaysia. I know that life for me here in terms of opportunities is so much greater than other people. I know.

But I also want to let you know that it is not a right that I will abuse. That I'll work hard to prove that I too, deserve this opportunity like the next person. And hopefully,the next achievement that I'll receive, people would say "Congratulations, you truly deserve this" as opposed to "Oh wow, congratulations! *rolls eyes*". 

So where do I stand now in life? I'm leaving HELP, and this breaks my heart. But I'm moving forward towards achieving a more meaningful life in this world.

 I'm also trying to quit my habit of complaining. Complaining does not work as a strategy. We all have finite time and energy. I realized that any time I spend whining is unlikely to help me achieve my goals. And it won't make me happier.

Lastly, I'm giving myself permission to dream. I'm renewing my goal of going to Cambridge University to pursue medicine, a dream I gave up on in HELP. We'll see how it goes.


But for now, life goes on.

I want to start over

Can I please? At the stage I'm at now, I'm never going to be a straight A's student in A-levels. It's not even me being pessimistic anymore. I'm just being realistic, and frankly, reality's being a menopausal biatch on steroids. Pfffff, even my metaphors are all over the place now. 16 May, bring forth good news about the MARA scholarship please? I just want a do-over. I need to buy more time. I'm just not ready.





P/s: I miss my family :(