Inquiring minds

     It's been too long. What can I say, when you're in a place with so many scholars, academics has it's way of taking over your time and social life. Sigh.....

     To be honest, being in KY makes me feel...... sad? I don't know. I'm just not use to the crowd I guess. There's something about high school friends (especially the ones that I have) that sort of have me compare every single person I've come to know to them. High school friends are indeed the best <3

8 Things That Attract Me to My Best Friends

1) Honesty.

2) They have a certain aspect of them that I respect. I can only be with people whom I respect. So yes, I respect my friends. Every one of them.

3) The ability to bullshit creatively. Very important.

4) They are happy with themselves. Meaning they do not try to be anyone else but themselves.

5) Supportive.

6) Clever and witty.

7) Not desperate or/and conceited. I loathe desperate and conceited people.

8) A bunch of weirdos, just like ME :)

      On another note, I know to some people there, I can come off as bitchy and a know-it-all. I KNOW. I'm not proud of it, I have character flaws, and so many of them in fact. Work-in-progress. That I am. But sometimes, I just don't have the energy to care about what other people think. I don't live for YOUR approval anyway.

     By no means am I having a shitty time here though. Somehow, KY has also been an amazing experience. Like guess who's the sexay-tary for the Debate Club? Sigh, I'm crazy I know.  Debating skills at varsity level is so not my thing. I need to improve my ability to bullshit, my skills are deteriorating. But that's life right? You throw caution to the wind, say "Eff it! (:D)" and just do it.

Somehow I have a sinking feeling that I'll come to regret this later. Sigh

     I really don't know what else to write. But this goes out to one guy though. Judging me before you even know me? Oh, and not being ashamed to tell other people exactly how you feel? You really do know the way to a girl's heart don't you?

      

    Honey, tread carefully here. I came from an all-girls school and if you bite, I'll bite back. Just don't cross the line cause I'll end you.

And I'll make it look like an accident.

Bell

Bibliophile

     Giving tuition in Ranau was good. I never thought charity could be so expensive though. It's so time and money-consuming. I'm not complaining though. I loved it, every second of it. I loved it when I heard the kids gasped as I explained the concept of certain Add Maths topics to them. I know what they were thinking, that at that moment, everything that baffled them finally made sense.That the answers was in front of them all along. It just needed someone who knew enough to point it out. And for that I am happy.

     It was nice to share some thoughts and life philosophies of mine to them as well. There was this girl who asked, "Cikgu, did you study ten hours a day?". Gosh, me, studied? I wish I could bring them back in time with me to see what I did with my time. Which was basically, hours and hours wasted. My mum said, had I worked that much harder, I could have gotten the 10 A+ I desired so much. Hmmmmmph.

     But it's all in the past right? So, I told them the truth. That I did not bust my ass off for SPM. That I'd rather spend my time OUT of class joining competitions that I know I'll lose. But you know, I've learned so much from joining something and not winning it. It's hard to explain here, but I did. Especially in debate, which I'd joined for three years and have not even been in the finals for it. And because of that, I did not just become another straight A student.

     My worth, my substance as a person was therefore not solely judged by a single paper obtained after over three months of waiting. And for that, I am grateful. I might not have been THAT girl who kept to a fixed plan, who planned her day down to the very last second (WAA). But I turned up okay :)

     Although I may not be keeping in touch with the kids, (I don't even remember their names), I can only hope that sometime, somewhere during those two days, I taught them something. Not only how to score in SPM, but how to lead one's life.

Go and exceed expectations kids. Especially your own :)

     Something that's slipping out of my hand though is the luxury of time.The luxury to wake up late, sleep late, and read all the books that I had been meaning to read but hadn't. Oh God, if I have to read all my life, I'd be living in heaven.I honestly don't mind working in a library, just because. I'm into medical thrillers now, Tess Gerittsen is my new Jodi Picoult. I learn so much about the medical world reading these kind of books, about serial killers and mutilation ironically. But that's the best way to learn something

A HEAD FAKE.


A ‘head-fake,’ occurs when someone is taught a deeper lesson under the pretense of learning something simple — when a high school football player learns determination, teamwork, and perseverance while seeming to learn a proper three-point stance, for instance.


     That's how I intend to learn about medicine before college starts. I just don't have the attention, the focus needed to read through thousands of pages of boring medical journals, filled with words I can't even pronounce, let alone understand. 


     So, I'm reading through thousands of pages of twisted stories, one that makes sleep a distant memory for the horrors it potrays, but it also taught me that Hansen's disease is the formal name of leprosy, and that the reason why pancreatic cancer is the deadliest forms of cancer is because the symptoms are only noticeable at the latter stage, and treatment is near impossible because pancreas is at the junction of the major organs in the human body; namely the stomach, the liver and the lungs and that's why is so aggressive and metastasizes very fast.


     My head may be filled with worthless informations that my peers won't care about, but at least my head is filled with something. In this day of information technology, it seems people are getting dumber. Well, I'll do anything in my power for that not to happen to me. 


I'VE. NEVER. BEEN. SO. PROUD. OF. BEING. A. BOOKWORM.

Nunnism

     In an effort to appear more charitable and also to give the perception that I do indeed have a soul, I have signed up as a tuition teacher/ motivational speaker (?????!!!!!!!!!!!!) at SMK Datuk Paduka Mat Salleh, Ranau. RANAU!

...............................To this day, the length at which I'd go to get out of my comfort zone continues to baffle me. 

     You wanna know something more shocking? Imma stay with a bunch of nuns while I'm there. Gosh, nuns. In a convent. A nunnery. Gah! So, when I'm not teaching a bunch of a year-younger kids, I would..... PRAY? Hmmmmm, not exactly how I imagine I'd waste spend my holidays.

     And what do nuns do for fun anyway?

Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

     On a more serious note, I have to admit that I'm scared shitless. I mean, here I am presented with the opportunity to give a talk that would hopefully be life-changing for these kids,and I don't know if I can deliver exactly that. What if I have nothing new to tell them? What if in their mind, what I say has no relevance to them at all? What if I make things worse for them by giving them false hope? What if I can't even give them hope? 

     Will I disappoint the teachers who's class will be taken over by me doing God knows what? Yes, I don't really have a clue about what I'm going to do with the kids.

  I DON'T FREAKING KNOW!

I'm reminded of my time teaching the small kids at SRK Pulau Tuba under PKTR. I don't know if I did a good job. But even then, I had the support of my Karipap team members to help teach the kids. But now, I'm doing it ALONE. No mum, no friends, no peers, no one. 

Except maybe the nuns. Pfffffffffft.

      After spending hours surfing the Net/ prepping worksheets/ watching videos/psyching myself up for the tuition-giving/speaking engagement at this Ranau school, I hereby declare that I have a new sense of respect towards the teaching job. It takes alot to be an awesome teacher. I KNOW NOW.

     Alas, wish me the best, the thingy majingy is two days from now. Hopefully I'll update with some good news :D

      

Lottery

I used to lose hair when I'm stressed up. Form 4 and Form 5 was the time when I shed hair like a dog. What's the point of me writing this? None really, but I've stopped losing so much hair in times of immense stress. Nope, nowadays, I get ugly pimples on my face. So ugly in fact that when I went home to receive some scholarship which I'm going to reject anyway, my mum brought me to see a dermatologist. And he told me my hormones have gone haywire. So now I'm on antibiotics and some other medicine and I have to apply some ointment on my face, to avoid looking like I'm breeding volcanoes on my face. It's been three days, and I see immense improvement. For that I'm happy. I owe it all to the doctor, as well as to having less stress in my life.

This is the part where you'll be thinking, "OMG, what a tedious blogger. Every, mundane, minute details have to be described and exploited."

And this is when I say, NO. There's more to it. You see, despite being in the middle of exams, I have no stress whatsoever because I have been awarded the MARA scholarship. 2 years in KYUEM (only the best institution ever in Malaysia) and if I make it there, a scholarship to pursue medicine in UK. I'm grateful, truly and utterly grateful. The thing is, I know now that people are treating me differently because of this. 

I only got 7A+. Others who got better result than I did, some who got straight A+ received ugly scholarships that are way below what they really deserved. My Bio teacher at HELP summed it up perfectly. "I'm not surprised Mirabel got it. She's a Bumiputera, and a Sabahan at that. It's very easy for HER."

I'm not offended in any way when she said that, because I know every word is true. 

Exhibit A: KYUEM. Most people I know got sent to various Kolej MARA in the country.

Exhibit B: Medicine in UK. ENOUGH SAID. 

What I'm trying to convey in this post is that I know I've won the equivalent of a birth lottery in Malaysia. I know that life for me here in terms of opportunities is so much greater than other people. I know.

But I also want to let you know that it is not a right that I will abuse. That I'll work hard to prove that I too, deserve this opportunity like the next person. And hopefully,the next achievement that I'll receive, people would say "Congratulations, you truly deserve this" as opposed to "Oh wow, congratulations! *rolls eyes*". 

So where do I stand now in life? I'm leaving HELP, and this breaks my heart. But I'm moving forward towards achieving a more meaningful life in this world.

 I'm also trying to quit my habit of complaining. Complaining does not work as a strategy. We all have finite time and energy. I realized that any time I spend whining is unlikely to help me achieve my goals. And it won't make me happier.

Lastly, I'm giving myself permission to dream. I'm renewing my goal of going to Cambridge University to pursue medicine, a dream I gave up on in HELP. We'll see how it goes.


But for now, life goes on.

I want to start over

Can I please? At the stage I'm at now, I'm never going to be a straight A's student in A-levels. It's not even me being pessimistic anymore. I'm just being realistic, and frankly, reality's being a menopausal biatch on steroids. Pfffff, even my metaphors are all over the place now. 16 May, bring forth good news about the MARA scholarship please? I just want a do-over. I need to buy more time. I'm just not ready.





P/s: I miss my family :(

Sometimes, I wonder if you look at my Facebook page, like I look at yours :)

Mendengar guruh di langit, air di tempayan dicurahkan

Gone are the days when getting 70% for physics was a GOOD thing. Now, it's just............. despicable! Everything academic related involving A-Levels currently is going yucks.

Timetable for mock exams:
Bio         : 21st April
M3 c1    : 26th April
Phy        : 3rd May
M3 c2   :  4th May
Chem    : 6th May

And exam's in 29 days.

But but but, why the skema malay peribahasa as this post's title????? Well, I'm kinda sorta going back to Sabah from 22th April to 29th April. Yups, I'm missing out on m3 c1 mocks :( The thing is this, when I came to KL for HELP under SASA scholarship, I was under the impression that I screwed SPM up. Well, let's just say that's not the case *coughs*. So, I'm coming back for the MARA interview, even though I actually asked to be interviewed in Shah Alam. God's intervention perhaps? Anyways, my mum is so convinced that I CAN get this scholarship, provided I really kick ass during the interview, which is why I'm coming back early. Yes yes, I know, don't count your chickens before they hatch. I KNOW. Can someone just please mention that to mummy? The dilemma is, even without coming back to Sabah, even in KL here right now, I'm lagging so far behind.

*Which explains why I didn't even bother to apply for Oxbridge*



Sigh. I have so much to be grateful for, I know. I can count so many people who has it worst than me. The problem is, I'm comparing myself to SOOOOOOOOOO many other people who are better than me. Such is the life of a Kadazan living in KL.

I HAZ SUCCUMBED TO KIASU-ISM. PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT.


But the thing is, I'm still going to skip school for 5 whole days. I think I'm basically dead. Since the interview itself is on such a late notice, chances are, I'm still going to sit for the exam IF, AND I MEAN IF, IF IF IF IF IF IF I get the scholarship.



Such is the uncertainties in life. Here's to guidance,hope, faith love, security and *cross fingers*, free education.

Father God, please give me the willpower to deflect distractions and the motivation to do everything it takes to succeed.

Here's to 20 hours caffeine-fueled days :) Oh, happy happy joy. NOT!

Welcome to Girl World. Only the bitchiest survive

Grrrrrr, you're soo annoying that I'm contemplating going full-on bitchy mode and just make you realize what a HUGE mistake you just made by messing with me. Don't you know that I have it in me to bite? I thought I was over it in high school. Apparently, the transition from college to high school is never clear cut. Not when people like you exist. But thing is huney, I didn't bite did I?

Coz your timing is lousy. Loooousy.

Why woman? Why the last month before exams? Why? Why can't you be all bitchy to me in the middle of the damn term? When I was bored out of mind and all emo bout becoming an adult and all that? Why? I would have welcome your bitchiness as an amusing distraction but now seeing that it is the last month, I am not gonna play that game with you. A month? I know you're good in this game and so am I, but seriously, even with you and me combine we can't create enough drama in a month before EXAMS. Lousy timing.

Boo, you whore.

But maybe...maybe if we would to end up in the same class next term and you still feel threatened by my presence onto your existence and if I have nothing else to do with my time, then yes, I'll bite. The game have been set anyways... and one player is already in. Up to me if I wanna play this with you but if I do then that means I actually have to pay attention to you and acknowledge your... existence.

So the only question left...are your worthy of my time and attention?

..........................I think you are.

Game. Set. Match. JULY 2011.

All I need is you

     I don't know what's going to happen in the future Lord, You know what I've been through today, but I shall remain strong and have faith that you'll work everything out for me. You always have done so God, so I give you my prayers and petition for my present and future now. I lay them at your feet, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. You promise to carry us through our darkest days right? I'm holding on to that promise now. I love you God, now and for the rest of my life~

Everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity

I HAZ BECOME A NERD

     Guess who just deactivated her Facebook account? It needs to be done, exam's in 43 days and I don't think I can score given my brain and it's limited brain capacity :/ Oh how I miss SPM and the days where I can study just a week before and still score. Hmmmmmmph, maybe that's why I only got 7A+ but oh well. I'm happy.

Which brings me to the topic of my post.

1 SADDENING FACT: Sabah only has 4 straight A+ scorers for SPM. In my class of 30 people in college alone, there are 3 STRAIGHT A+ peeps. And my result is among the lowest there. Why is Sabah so lacking, so behind the other states? Is it genetically coded in our genes that SABAHANS=STUPID? I really wish I can say that it's not true, but I can't. Statistics proves so. Yeah yeah yeah, I know that we are lacking in facilities, teachers, blax3 *rolls eyes*, but seriously? 4?! Only?!

I think I know why. Sabahans do not have good work ethics. Painful to hear, but the truth hurts.

But I shall not be defined by the brainpower and the work ethics of my community. I shall be the exception. I don't care if it hurts me now. I don't care if I have to come out tired and worn out. After all, the proof of gold is fire. I believe I have what it takes. And I can do it with God's help.

Ecclesiastes 9: 10, “Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might”  
EXACTLY. I'm now in A-levels, and I shall give my all in being an A-levels student. A good, amazing and outstanding one.




Colossians 3: 23-25, “Whatever you do, work at it with all of your heart, as working for the Lord, not for             men”.
Because at the end of the day, as a Christian, our success in life shall be a testimony of God's love and God's blessing in our lives. Our achievements can be used to encourage others, that truly, we have a God who provides :)


I feel sad for my schoolmates. I wished that I could help all of them to succeed in SPM, or at least to get straight A's. But I can't, but I tried my best in helping the few that I can. I guess, at the end of the day, they have to help themselves.


But you know what I hate the most? When people start to say, "I'm doing this paper on faith". What faith?! You had the chance to study, to ask questions, to revise, to catch up. BUT YOU DIDN'T! And when you get the results that you get, the tears start falling and you start blaming God. Like HELLO! God does not grant successes just like that. He is not Santa Claus. The fact that you're treating him like one speaks volume for your character. You dependent, needy, liability of a person! I hope you will grow up after this, I really do.
Because it will be painful for me to see you suffer if you don't grow up :(




P/S: I'm sick and tired of spammers, so no more c-box ;D

This too shall pass

I think I think I think, I'm starting to fall for you. I wanted to use gravity as a scapegoat to this situation but darn, I don't think Isaac Newton had this type of "fall" in mind. Anyways, I'll handle it as I do any other complicated things. I'll sweep it under the rug, and wait for this feelings to stop. :)

Heal me, I'm heartsick

     How many times can a heart go through heartbreaks and separation before it stops being whole?


I really don't think a person can put a conclusive figure on that, cause I guess, what can't kill us will make us stronger, right? Living away from home, from my comfort zone, really opened my eyes to how life really works.SOMEHOW, SOMEWHERE, SOMETIME, it's all gonna be okay. I'm the living proof :)

SPM really opened my eyes to alot of things. In high school, I was never top anything. I was always that girl who joined something because there happened to be a spot left; and they needed someone to complete the team. Remember public speaking as well? Remember when I was the 3rd choice? Remember how I was only given three days to write a script? Remember how I still joined out of eagerness because I was never given a chance to join anything else? Remember how it was during the mid-year exam? Remember how I won?


Yes, my whole life, I was never considered good enough for anything. I was angry at my parents because they never pushed me to be an overachiever. They say it's because they claim that they'd rather see me live my life out as carefree as possible, and not be sucked into the competitiveness that usually comes with being an Asian. 

However, i loathe mediocrity. I loathe being average. So I just tried my best, in everything. Sadly, doing your best is not easy when people continues trying to push you down. And yes, I'm talking to you, my dearest principal and MOST teachers in Convent. How does it feel having your prodigy, the carrier of your dreams hopes and aspirations to NOT live up to your expectations? How does it feel to have a NOBODY on the other hand to get that article written solely for her in the newspaper?

Yes, revenge is indeed a dish best served cold. 5 years cold in fact. But nothing has ever tasted as satisfying. I WOULD KNOW. So let this be a lesson to you all my dear juniors. It's not who starts well, it's who ENDS well.

I'm glad that despite my underdog title, I did it with God's help. So thank you God as well. You're awesome, you know that? Oh wait, you are all-knowing :D

So how do I wrap this up? Oh yes, let's end  with the underdog theme.

Have high expectations.
Never expect to lose.
Always prepare a victory speech because who knows, you might use it someday. I just did <3
Celebrate your successes, then move on quickly.

AND
ALWAYS
BE
HUMBLE

Now, I'm back to being the underdog in KL. Wish me the best as I  go on another long, arduous and hard journey to the top. But hey, if I can handle 5 years of that in high school, I believe I have what it takes for this. God willing.

xoxo
MIRROR BELL

When you come around, I come undone

My early days in PKTR were quite horrid. People there, they talk, talk, and talk like tin kosonglaa. They just know how to talk really GOOD English but POOR ideas. That made simple things became too complicated. Me and Aina, we all just sat back and observed what was happening. Though sometimes we did have to interrupt so everything will run smoothly.


Copy and pasted from hanie's blog. Can you say ouch? :(


The truth hurts. That's just how it is. However, the naked truth is always better than a best dressed lie. I thank you so much Hanie, for this. 
I remember at camp, I was going around thinking, damn, setting myself apart from these people would be a walk in the park. Arrogance lar kan. But it never hit me that standing out is not always a good thing if it's for the wrong reasons. Thankfully, somehow, I woke up. It wasn't the nicest feeling at that time, but it was necessary.


It's human nature lar I guess. We tell the worst lies to ourselves to make ourselves feel better. We live in denial about what we do, and what we think. I tried to figure out, why oh why do we do this? And then it hit me. We do this because we are afraid. I know I was, and to a certain extent, I still am.


I'm afraid of my academic future. 
I'm afraid that I'll never be able to meet THE ONE. 
I'm afraid that I'll truly backslide in my walk with GOD.


Ok, commercial break first! I know that I haven't potrayed a very good impression of how a Christian should be. I know, I know, I know. But I'm working on it mmmmmkay. Please help me God, don't forsake me please.


Back on topic. So yeah, fear is a powerful word. But courage is also defined as being willing to be afraid, BUT act anyway. Thank you PKTR, and the people there. You helped me wake up.


But I can't leave on this note can I? Hanie wrote this in her blog as well. 


Day by day, I could see amazing changes in people........ Among the LOUDEST was Mirabel. She had improved a lot and proved that she is a very intelligent lady.


:)




When you look at a person, any person, remember that everyone has a story. Everyone has gone through something that has changed them. And that something for me was PKTR.




I only hope you'd experience something that would change you for the better too. Amen :)

This looks like a good beginning.........

My first post for 2011!!!!!!!!!

My dorm's management finally decided to stop being such a biatch and unblock blogger, Thank God. The place where I vent out all my frustrations is finally back to me. Oh bloggie, how I miss you so <3

Life in KL has been pretty darn good. Somehow, by God's grace, I was voted to be treasurer for SASA, beating out worthy candidates from KL schools itself. Not perasan, just very very happy.

 Joined Toastmasters. 

Had a HUGE wake up call about my debating skills.

Gonna join HELP's Model United Nations as a delegate. Please let me represent Norway :)

Became the Chem class's rep.

Went to PKTR <3

Met amazing people whom I now count as my closest friends in KL.

I know all of this sound redundant and are considered stupid little things that are usually scoffed off but to me, I've achieved quite alot so far. I DID NOT BECOME INVISIBLE.

However, I've come to realize that while I'm not invisible, I am known as that person without substance. I know, ouch rite? TIN KOSONG. But alas, failure is not falling down. It's simply refusing to get back up. And trust me, I will get back up.

No regrets though, none whatsoever. After all, life is all about experimentation right? At least I can say that I've never regretted one single moment in my life. However bimbotic I can be. 

The only thing I have now is faith and diligence that one day, I'm going to be known for things more worthwhile than the girl with the pick up lines, or the girls who says random things at the wrong time.

One day, I'm going to make a difference in my community, as an oncologist or otherwise. One day, I'm going to be somebody I can be proud of. WATCH ME.

It's not pride that I want all this. 

It's just that one day, when I'm about to die, my life will flash before my eyes.

 I just want to make sure that I can say I have truly lived before life is snuffed out from me.

Bring on the unknown, seriously. BRING IT!